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God said, “Let there be light.” And with that, the darkness descended. And all Her children panicked with dread. Fearing the worst for mankind, they isolated themselves, spread hysteria, ridiculed pariahs, believed in untruths until reality became so obscure they could no longer see who they were amidst the darkness. God watched Her children, confounded by their lack of faith and understanding.”I said let there be light.” God stated emphatically to Her children.”The darkness is only a construct within the light for you to see yourselves clearly and those relationships you have with others. Your fear only makes it greater. If you truly believe that all was created in my image and likeness, then believe that within every darkness, there is a purpose. One so great that your worst fears are hindering any possibility for you to understand the truths about creation, or even the truths about your own realities. You have the choice to see things differently.”

Sometimes we search so hard for understanding in this world when there simply isn’t the understanding we need to fulfill our desires. We want to understand the light as much as we want to understand the natures of evil and suffering. We want answers to everything or to as many questions we can muster up in our minds. And we all do this to find peace, to give some sort of sanity to the confusion and chaos that life holds.
It is hard for us to recognize something we are caught up in. The patterns we create for ourselves usually offer us something we feel we have to gain. Meanwhile, the fear and pain remain. We simply continue to feed them until we have satiated the need to quell the emptiness, when in reality, we have not.
There is somewhere inside of all of us that knows when a desire cannot be truly satiated. That fear alone perpetuates our search; our confusion, our turmoil. That fear alone perpetuates and emphasizes our need to be greater than it is in reality. But in being so caught up in the energy of addiction, we fail to see that the need is no longer a need but has taken on form. It becomes a power play. You against the energy, you against the fear, and ultimately, you against yourself.
With addiction, we set up a framework for our minds to protect and defend our inner landscape. The energy exchange between the person struggling with addiction and the object of the addiction creates a power vacuum. Power not only feeding into one another, but in defense of one another, vying for control and understanding on some level. The use of power becomes self destructive and self validating in a distorted way, and it can become challenging for us to recognize and more importantly admit that we are hurting ourselves out of fear, pain, and the need for self love.
Addictions do not serve reality, they serve illusion and will continue to do so as long as we hold on to them tightly. They will appear strong in might within the illusion. We need trust. There is a greater might within trust that will take us out of the illusion and into the light. We are as afraid of the energy behind the addiction as we are of letting go of it. The strength of the addiction is indicative of how strong our fear is as we work to let it go. What resists, will persist, and will gather strength. If it is illusion and not reality, it will gather strength in the illusion and perpetuate the cycle of darkness.

Some addictions need to leave our lives and complete a miasm that might have been in our lineage for generations, masking itself in various forms. Some might need to stay to complete an ancestral lesson. The miasm will serve in its capacity as it heals itself when we maintain awareness of our interactions, responses, and relationship with addiction.
So how does one recognize an addiction? We all have them in one way or another. Take a look at your lives. Look at a relational response that becomes repetitive, a misguided source of power which leaves you drained and within the emptiness not believing there is light to be found. Ponder your relationship to it and notice if you identify with it as harmful to you physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. You can recognize an addiction by the intensity involved in the relationship to the object you are addicted to. By separating the object from what you think it is giving you and holding your fear around its absence, you can begin to source your true power. You have to place yourself in the center of the fear and the pain and see if you can withstand it gently in your heart. Within that space, your emptiness has great power within the light.
An addiction is not merely something we are drawn to. It becomes its own entity and we have a relationship with it as though it were a friend, a child, a parent, a sibling. The relationship we create takes on a form that loses its authenticity in nature. The focus of the addiction no longer holds meaning in the way that it did before we developed a codependent relationship with it. Its meaning and intention changes itself as we dive deeper into its energies. The addiction changes form as we change with it. The relationship becomes more than it is in reality, and more than it needs to be.
The miasm which propelled us into the addiction needs to be respected. There is healing medicine there. I don’t believe it is us versus an addiction. Like all relationships, there is always something that serves a greater good and the medicine we take when we take the energies behind the addiction into the light will be everlasting.

It seemed as though people I spoke with wanted this past week to fly by as swiftly as it could. I kept hearing the words, “It just feels so heavy.”

Even with the celebrated holiday of love we call Valentine’s Day, many were challenged with old resentments, bitterness and anger from generations past and traumatic life events.
It was a week where the fear of being stuck and the actual reality of it coincided with such raw emotion that a feeling of hopelessness was felt by some. The desire for changing one’s life, one’s reality, one’s existential experience was heightened. Combine our internal mechanisms with what we see happening in our world today and we have a storm created out of illusion, one powerful enough to challenge every sensible notion of humanity and our roles in it. I don’t mind our roles being challenged, I welcome it. I don’t mind the fear, the anger or the heaviness. I embrace those as well. I mind the illusion. I mind the attachments we have formed to the illusion. I mind the emotions that we allow ourselves and our roles to be defined by, not the fact that we have these emotions and we should embrace them in a constructive way. The illusion will morph and our emotions will further our growth if respected with compassion and utilized for the greater good of humanity. I felt the heaviness too this past week. My emotions found a safe space inside of myself, flowing freely, fostering a different grounding to the earth readying myself for the expansion and healing we are all about to enter into.

I don’t believe in shattered dreams.
I believe in shattered belief systems.
Dreams simply avail themselves differently amidst the time and space continuum; when one’s heart surrenders to faith and the power of Creation allowing a dream to become fulfilled by the hand of the Divine igniting it.

The definition of trauma and its long term effects can be easily defined by scientific and psychological means. In my experience, trauma and its response mechanisms are subjective for each person struggling to heal through it. One of the defense mechanisms I have been working on these past few weeks with clients is their relationship to confusion amidst the traumatic experience. The confusion and its ensuing patterning provides some sense of relief, comfort and familiarity to those who choose to utilize it as a form of self preservation. On the other end, it can also be used to further self-annihilation. When I enter into the confusion with another, I enter into it gently as the confusion many times becomes its own reality, separate from the traumatic event itself. I find that when we integrate confusion in its pervasive state of saturation to body, mind and spirit, the traumatic event we are trying to heal from depletes us of any sense of identity we have ever known about ourselves or even who we think we were during the event that traumatized us in the first place. We are then dealing with both the trauma of the event itself and the trauma created by the confusion. Overwhelm sets in, we disassociate even further from our bodies, and we spend much of the time trying to find out who we are in relationship to the confusion so we can avoid facing the actual trauma. I respect everyone’s need to heal from trauma in their own time and space. That is one of the most sacred relationships I know on the healing path. The threads between a traumatic event and our responses are both individual and multi-generational. One of the suggestions I make to clients is to find ways to feel useful while they are both in the height of the confusion and when they are more grounded. In this way, they can see that the identities they have created can shift as they feel safe in exploring their usefulness in this world. I have seen tremendous positive effects with people struggling with PTSD when they begin to see themselves as an integral part of society, useful human beings whose worth does not have to be defined by an event that changed their lives forever.

Oh tormented earth; forgive us our trespasses as we have forgotten our own sacredness amidst your gentle womb. We walk upon your flesh, indignant in our right to take from you what does not belong to us. We have forgotten in all that we are, you provide the sustenance of our living breath, the nourishment of our beating hearts, the wisdom of our compromised minds. May we endeavor to know you completely and uninhibited by a fear so powerful that it diminishes our capability to respect you in the ways you deserve to be respected. Oh Mother earth, forgive us our trespasses. We KNOW what we are doing wrong. May we be given the courage to rise and do what needs to be done.

It’s time for Eve to embrace her power. Destiny be forever changed. The serpent only reminded her of her duality; her innocence lost in the confusion of self, in the Divine, in the world around her. The sacrifices of the feminine have shaped humanity, leaving teardrops at every threshold. Temptation challenged both her strengths and her weaknesses, until she became raw with emotion, searching for holiness in every crevice within herself.

Brought to her knees not by the Divine, but by a paradise which was flawed in the very beginning of its inception, only to ignite shame in perceived wrongdoings of the soul. Reaching for forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge is the beginning of one’s inner work, shedding layers of self to eventually come to the understanding that true knowledge has no form. The nature of paradise is not to condemn. Eve knew that, but questioned her own authenticity at the desire to know more, to feel more, to want more. There is no shame in human emotion, more so confusion. The projection of such emotion which arises out of desperation can inflict pain to self and to others. We are not descendants of original sin, but of a destiny of great power emblazoned by love. The feminine is rising. Take heed of her strength. She will be the bearer of an extraordinary light, and have the ability to bring darkness to its knees. The fruit of the Tree of Knowledge will be forbidden no more. In fact, Eve will forget it even existed as she sources from her own sacredness.

Chaos has the power to become an extraordinary catalyst in surrendering to the Divine. Approach it reverently. Therein lies Providence, a sacred alignment humanity struggles with grasping in the face of the unknown. Never underestimate the light resting quietly within that chaos. You will find it once you meet surrender.

On this winter solstice, the darkness harkens for the light. Wading through rivers of confusion for centuries, yearning to be touched by a grace whose acquaintance it has never met before. Slowly, it emerges out of chaos, only to realize the light had been holding its hand the entire time. The light calls herself grace.