“How long can you endure?”

At my darkest hour, I heard a voice coming from the flame.

That slippery slope of emotional turmoil where the burdening question of existence perpetuates that longing for some sense of relief.

I turned around and searched everywhere for the inquisitor.

Who had the audacity to challenge the facade of my integrity?

“How long can you endure?”

My pulsating heartbeat could be heard across dimensions.

“Who are you?”

My anger swirled and descended to the earth beneath me.

“You know who I am. I have followed you for lifetimes.

Never more than one step behind you.

You have thought me the bane of your existence.

But I have and will always be your greatest hope, your greatest salvation.”

I pulled back, bewildered by the voice.

“I still don’t know who you are. Why don’t you come out and show yourself!”

“I’ve never hidden from you. You just refuse to see me for who I am, who you are, and for what we can become together.

I’ve told you my name a thousand times over, but your heart could never hear me. Your mind would never listen. Your spirit would never receive.”

Exhausted, with what little strength I had left I shifted my gaze to the ethers.

“I don’t understand. You seem to think you know about me, as though we’ve met before. Please, can you just tell me your name?”

There was this pause. I swear I could hear the entire universe in one breath.

“Forgiveness. My name is forgiveness. And we have met before. In every lifetime, in every moment. I have walked by your side, carried you when you were too weak, strengthened you when you needed me most. You rarely like to admit it, but you do need me. The truth is, I need you too. My question remains the same. How long can you endure?”

I had no answer, I just lay frozen in my own conundrum.

“I’ll wait for you. I’m in no rush. Your story is my story. You actually can’t endure without me. But you can suffer more.

I hope you allow me the honor of mending your wounds. I couldn’t think of any other way I would want to spend the rest of my life. When you’re ready, all you have to do is look within. I’ll be here.”

“How long can you endure?”

At my darkest hour, I heard a voice coming from the flame.

That slippery slope of emotional turmoil where the burdening question of existence perpetuates that longing for some sense of relief.

I turned around and searched everywhere for the inquisitor.

Who had the audacity to challenge the facade of my integrity?

“How long can you endure?”

My pulsating heartbeat could be heard across dimensions.

“Who are you?”

My anger swirled and descended to the earth beneath me.

“You know who I am. I have followed you for lifetimes.

Never more than one step behind you.

You have thought me the bane of your existence.

But I have and will always be your greatest hope, your greatest salvation.”

I pulled back, bewildered by the voice.

“I still don’t know who you are. Why don’t you come out and show yourself!”

“I’ve never hidden from you. You just refuse to see me for who I am, who you are, and for what we can become together.

I’ve told you my name a thousand times over, but your heart could never hear me. Your mind would never listen. Your spirit would never receive.”

Exhausted, with what little strength I had left I shifted my gaze to the ethers.

“I don’t understand. You seem to think you know about me, as though we’ve met before. Please, can you just tell me your name?”

There was this pause. I swear I could hear the entire universe in one breath.

“Forgiveness. My name is forgiveness. And we have met before. In every lifetime, in every moment. I have walked by your side, carried you when you were too weak, strengthened you when you needed me most. You rarely like to admit it, but you do need me. The truth is, I need you too. My question remains the same. How long can you endure?”

I had no answer, I just lay frozen in my own conundrum.

“I’ll wait for you. I’m in no rush. Your story is my story. You actually can’t endure without me. But you can suffer more without me.

I hope you allow me the honor of mending your wounds. I couldn’t think of any other way I would want to spend the rest of my life. When you’re ready, all you have to do is look within. I’ll be here.”

The unknown an impossible story to bear

The silence too frightening to witness

The grief too unyielding to hold

The Surrender needs to be gentle

A humble birth from ego to hero

Within your own duality

Your narrative born from the gods

Who kept you close to their bosom

Until your entrance into this realm

As you tiptoed through the trenches

With darkness reaching for your soul

Oh how lonely you felt

Wondering if you would ever find the light

The extraordinary radiance

Of a soul wanting to know itself completely.

Believing that it is capable of worthiness.

I wish you would understand

That all has always been safely tucked gently inside

Your heart this whole time.

You need not fear the ordinary, the unknown, the silence, 

Or the grief. You need not fear the surrender.

You just need to trust in yourself

And you will become the peace you are searching for.

This nonverbal relationship

With intimacy once felt so threatening.

An awakening centuries unfolding

from chaos into more chaos

Until stillness was given its voice.

Its own right of passage and power

That it had long forgotten.

A freedom yearning to be met

With such authenticity

That her medicine became steeped

In such a strength

She was able to call it by its name.

And that name became sacred and

Shared only between her and the gods.

With each womb and each birth,

that medicine would be passed down

As the gods whispered into the hearts

Of each child waiting to be borne.

This is how a generation heals.

Do not be afraid to share your medicine

Once you no longer fear claiming it.

Laden with burdens from an ancestral past

Tears strolling down your cheeks

With each footprint on your path

Joy becomes unrecognizable 

As you feel responsible for the pain of others.

Who was it that taught you to live this way?

Freedom of self becomes an abandoned vision

That only mystics can obtain

The mountain too high to climb

The heart too heavy to forgive

Fragments of a life not lived strewn across the landscape

Of your inner humanity

Will your unworthiness be your only legacy?

Only you can decide.

Perhaps the precipice is not as steep as you think it is

Perhaps the tempest is merely a gentle rain cloud

Disguised as darkness

To test your faith

To make you believe that one step forward into the light

Worthiness waits to greet you.

I’ll be waiting there for you.

The emptiness which stirs

Beneath your bosom

Does not taunt you

Or hinder the breath

Of God that gives you life.

It softly asks

For your hand in marriage

To guide you to the light

Amidst the heaviness

Of your soul’s burdens.

It asks for nothing else

Than to be your strength

The whisper of grace

Revealing itself

Within each doubt

Or break of faith.

It knows the heavens

From which you came

This emptiness

So full of glory

You will only understand

Once you touch it deeply.

When we force connections within relationships, we ignite power struggles both within ourselves and those relationships we are pursuing. In this way, our needs will never get met. We are coming from the internalized belief that we are separate and that our needs NEED to be met. Our unworthiness engages with another’s unworthiness. Our confusion around identity struggles with theirs. In many ways, we are wanting not to feel so alone in that unworthiness. A power struggle begins with wounds versus wounds. Only we think they are needs. Intimacy is not about placing demands within any relationship, including the one you have with yourself which is the most important relationship of all.

As we begin to understand the path of intimacy, the word “need” takes on a new definition and no longer is the driving force behind our desire to create healthy and sustainable relationships. The path is not an easy one, but one well worth living.

Of a narrative borne generations ago

Where intimacy was a luscious fruit

Afforded your soul

Human bonded to human

So intricately that it blooms the

fragrance of God.

Tethered to the Divine

We search both heaven and hell

To reap the rewards of a union

Gone astray

A prophecy where we become one heart

Where the heavens become silent 

In the presence of such grace.

The storms won’t stop coming until we stop searching the

Realms of existence for what we think lies outside of us,

The narrative is within us.

A fragrance so otherworldly

An intimacy so Divine.

A prophecy where we are all one finally fulfilled.

I won’t tell you that you will always feel safe.

I won’t tell you to let go of your grief.

I won’t tell you that the universe will always provide.

I won’t tell you that what you put out there is what you will attract.

I won’t tell you that if you surround yourself with white light that no harm will come to you.

With all the sages and saints whose wisdom has found its way to my heart.

What I can tell you is this.

We are part of a larger mystery

Where all emotions are raw and powerful gateways into deeper parts of ourselves

Where suffering is real and part of our spiritual development

And yes, we will lack truths and what we need to survive here at times,

That no matter what you extend into the universe, you will attract both light and darkness

Because that is life.

But we have been given choice,

An opportunity to grow or contract with what comes our way.

An opportunity within each moment to redefine

Our journey internally with our reactions and responses.

A freedom so powerful that many of us dare to utilize it.

The freedom to choose.

That weaves the unknown

In every cell of our being

Yearning for recognition

To be held

To be heard

To be witnessed

For every darkness

And every light

That has created breath

And built our living universe.

Don’t tear it down.

It is nectar

That has birthed the person you are now

And the person you will become.

Let that uncertainty nourish

What you have always believed.

You can be safe in the unknown.